I know I donít blog much, but it is like I go for a few months and things I experience and those events around me all mold together to have some sort of a theme. Then the more I think about it, the more I try to get something out of it that I can learn and remember. Since most of these situations involve some sort of pain, I would rather not go through it again, which I am sure you agree with.

Pain, I have thought about that so much lately. Part of it is that allot of the research we have been doing lately for the book has led us to discussions on Pain. As we work through it, I am finding myself more exposed and discovering areas in my life in the last few years where I have really suffered from pain, and how I have covered it up. Last year was certainly the most painful year of my life and I still can see how those areas where I suffered pain, they act as triggers and still are sensitive. When anything similar to a certain painful situation comes up, I get scared and clam up, cause the still persistent pain.

So in some way I feel like I am beginning this journey to try and discover where my internal pain is and who knows, how to deal with it, but maybe the best thing to start with, is simply talk about it. With that being said, I must confess my fear. I am nervous and scared in many ways. I am scared to look and see the pain. I mean this goes back to even 5 years ago, of baggage I still carry from past friendships and relationships. But how can you ever move forward if you donít first become aware.

Well, honestly, the concept that has been tripping me up so much lately is about Godís will. What a confusing and dangerous thing it is. I am finding that the more I experience life and the more I think about what really is Godís will, the less I believe it exists, the way I traditionally thought it did.

I grew up believing Godís Will, that is, what he set out as the course for your life, was something we ought to search out and discover, then it was our obligation to follow it. I believed that everyone had a ďwillĒ for their life. This belief got me in some trouble a few years ago though. About 3 years ago I was confronted with one of the toughest decisions I would ever make. I wrestled with it for months. I am not the biggest prayer guy, but that month I prayed more than I have in my whole life, probably combined. I so desperately wanted God to just point me in the right direction and tell me what he wanted me to do. I would have said yes or no, whatever it was, according to what he would show me. In so many ways, I think I did what was right, by giving him the decision and putting ďit on the altarĒ.

But you know, that is just it, when it was all said and done, I still had to make the decision, not God. I am not a robot and I have free will. However, because of this view I had, it through me for such a loop after this decision was over. How could God abandon me? As a friend, He wasnít there when I needed him the most, he was a no show. I would admit I slowly lost faith in Him for the coming months. But that was because I thought he had a will on that decision. I donít think he did. I could have gone either way and he would have blessed it and it could have been His will.

Think about it, if God were to show up in all His Glory and tell you to marry someone, you would do it, right? Where is the free choice in that? His Glory and Power would overwhelm us into making that decision, not that it is bad, but that is why he doesnít do it. See, he wants us to figure it out. That is why I donít think God ever told me or showed me anything on that decision years ago. He simply let me sit there and stew and in the end allowed me to make my own decision. I honestly believe I could have said yes and it would have been his will or I could have said no and it would have been His will.

Godís will is not a yes or no, (most of the time and we know when it is), but rather it is about the in between time that we usually miss. You know what Gods will was for me then, it was that I get to know him more through countless hours of prayer, not the yes or no. It was the struggle and wrestle I went through, that was what He wanted. It is about where our heart is and how we posture it toward him.

Although I agree, this is a humanistic view to not believe in Godís will, let me explain. When God created us he gave us so many skills and gifts. The passions that make us tick, those are from Him. It is these things that we have to use to make our decisions and go forward. He gave us thought, intelligence, feelings, emotions and friends. When we rely on these things, there is an element of it actually being that we rely on God, because they were given by Him.
For instance, if I still believe that Godís will was just a yes or a no, I would then have to believe that he only has one person for me to spend the rest of my life with. I donít believe that. I believe there are a number of people each of us have we could marry. The key to Godís will is not this person or that person, but His will is how we LOVE that person.


Is it Godís will that you go to Africa or work as a Dentist in Overland Park? Neither I say. I think that if we give him all of our heart and those around us, we will find his will. It is this act of searching that he wants for us.

I am no longer a consequentialist; I donít believe the position at the end of the race matters. What matters is how you run that race and how much heart and effort you put into it. In that way, I donít necessarily say Godís will for my life is to go to Africa, but rather where I chose to go and spend my life, His will is that I love those people with all my heart and serve them with everything I can.

At first, it seems like this view takes a lot of pressure off of our thinking ďAm I out of the will of God, oh No!Ē I have thought that so many times. That is the problem though. I believe as long as we follow and obey his Commandments and love those around us, we are in His will.

So often we really want him to give us a solid left or right or forward or backwards, but you know seldom does it work that way. We want him to give us substantial substance on which way we steer this ship, so that we can know that we are in or out of his will. No longer do I believe that it works that way. I think that is way too simple and takes away from a lot of the skill and character that he gave us and it nullifies the refinement and learning that we are supposed to gather from situations. IT IS ALL ABOUT THE JOURNEY, NOT THE DIRECTION. We are really supposed to focus on our journey. That is the process and the path that God will use to really transform our life. So in that sense I donít even know if I believe that God has a specific will for MY Life like some chartered out map.

Lastly, check out this video about poverty World On Fire It is gripping, to say the least!