So today Andrew, Jon and myself went on a 40 Kilometer, 4 hour motorbike journey through the wilderness. I have really never been on a dirt bike. There really isn’t too much of a comparison between this and my motorcycle. Just totally different. So when we started, I was a bit nervous how I would handle the ride and was certain I was bound for a fall.

We went through valleys, streams, grass, dirt paths, woods and even a small rural community. I don’t even think the pictures do justice for how beautiful our views really were. What started the whole journey though is Jon and I wanted to find a path to a road we could see on a distant mountain. He has spent months looking for the connecting road and just cant find it. Today was no different. We did find a nice field of marijuana though. As we journeyed on, going deeper and deeper into the valley, constantly going downhill, the more I realized, we are going to either go back up that way or find a way out of there. I am glad it was the latter. When we came to the bottom of the valley, there was a beautiful stream. Never mind it was the stream that runs through Bulembu probably 15 Kilometers back and solves our sewage problems (that will be taken care of in less than a month). Regardless, Jon and I were so hot, we had to go for a quick skinny dip. Good thing we were far enough out, we didn’t expect any visitors from the village unless they were fetching their weed. The water was so refreshing, maybe too refreshing.

By the time we got back home, I was exhausted. But the whole day just made me realize how amazing it really is out here. And I don’t think this is just because of some isolated event. It is just the way of life out here. Sometimes I wonder if I am not really South African inside. Which makes me think, this whole decision I have of moving back to Kansas City, what if I am focusing on the wrong move? Well, it was just a thought, but, maybe for another day, but one I pray is coming soon.

Now the time feels like it is buzzing with life, vehicles, workers, new projects, tourists, etc. The town is actually being maintained where grass is being cut, overgrown forests being cut down and infrastructure constantly getting better. Our office now has wireless, with nearly 20 staff using laptops. It is amazing.

When I first started with Bulembu it was more the less a means to an end. I didn’t believe that we would ever be able to accomplish what we set out to do. But I figured it was worth trying. I have changed. Today, I am a believer. However, what hasn’t changed is that I still think this is an impossible project. Its magnitude and scope is tremendous. But I like the impossible. It leaves room for God. Already when I look over the last two years, I can see where God has been intricate. The “God Stories” are what keep us going. Without those, I think I would have lost motivation and hope months ago.

The other day the Swazi 1000 leadership team was here and we were diligently planning for the event which is only in a few weeks. As I sat around the meeting, I just couldn’t help from letting my mind venture into the past of what Bulembu used to be like years ago when we first began. I am really blown away by how far it has come. I thought about the thousands of people that have been out here and that have heard the story of hope and been inspired. The fact that we can host this massive group of students for work projects and effectively collaborate to impact the community is stunning.

But more than anything, I still suggest this is the impossible project. God really is going to have to continue to guide us and bless us. With economic hard time coming, there is no doubt that even in Bulembu finances will constrict. Either way, I am learning that it is o about the journey than it is where we really end up. I am sure the end will look much different than what we think it will be from this vantage point. But it is the journey that will refine us, our faith and make us men and women of transformation.

I wish my words could even do a small amount of justice to describing Bulembu to anyone. Without seeing it and experiencing it in person, it is truly hard to imagine.

Today I arrived into Jo-burg and decided to bus up to Nellspruit the closest South African city. Once there, I was picked up by ANdrew and Tracey. We chose to stay in South Africa for the night before driving back. Our B and B has an amazing view overlooking the whole city and the weather is just gorgeous. It was truly amazing to watch the sun set.

What really struck me though is the things that I used to hate, but realized how much i miss them. For instance during dinner all he lights went out….. in the entire mall. this is common during a rain storm, but back at home you would never have to eat dinner lit by the power of your cell phone.

When I got back tonight there was a security guard outside my door, standing protection. It was awkward at first, but just part of the small things which are so different, but really not much at all.

Change, I am eager to see all the chan whcih has happened in th elast 2 years. It will be so encouraging.

Here is the link: http://www.cardus.ca/comment/article/697/

For some that know me, you understand when I say that for the last 3 months I have been living in a Vortex. What I mean by that, is i feel I am living in this space… betwee…. one season and another creating this long lasting transition. I feel I am just coming out of one season, just waiting for the next to begin. I dont know what the following year holds for me or where I will be living. It is the most uncomfortable place I have been in a long time and I simply wish that the days of comfort would return.

For weeks now I have been counting down the days to be able to return to Bulembu and be part of the Swazi 1000, which is an event we are hosting in Bulembu which will see nearly 1,000 student volunteers descend upon Bulembu. It is going to be life changing for many, to say the least. However, just when i didnt expect God to “interrupt” my life, here in Ottawa, he did.

Although I planned to go to my first NHL game tonight, I missed the bus, couldnt get scalped tickets and found myself sadly stumbling into a corner bar to just.. be an average Joe. It was then the most irononic set of events began.

I picked a place at the bar next to a construction worker with long hair, full beard and seeming like everything of the “heartland”. We slowly started talking. When asked why i was in Ottawa, apparently it was my vague and general answers that gave him the impression I was a “politician.” Then he thought I was a bussinessman. Within an hour of our conversation, he started preaching to me about his agnostic beliefs and the sense of Karma. For a second, I began to think that this was the perfect time to “witness” then remembered that i dont even know what that means anymore. In the end, I took the role of the prosecutor asking him that if he believed in Karma so much, why isnt he living it out. The common question that I feel as a Christian I usually get. This quetsion, led us to an intenses conversation about faith, that I never thought I would have. I ended up telling him all about my testimony, my Father’s testimony and my faith. What hit the most though was that he said for once, he felt like he met someone who genuinely care, wanted to get to know him and wasnt someone “ramming” Christianity down his throat. I told him that he is more than welcome to be an agnostic. I am so confident that my God is real, God would interrupt his life at some point in time and show him the reality that our God lives in. He seemed to smile and welcome the idea of this.
Then at 12 AM I return to a friend’s house (who is currently in Quebec) and his roommate asks me to go get a quick beer. I figured, with teh way this night is going… absolutely. We had an amazing conversation. One that I felt I havent had in years, and I know it wasnt the grasshopper pale ale.

This sums up the last 4 months of my life. Why have i not felt like i have been making connections and been living in this…. Vortex? It is beacuse I dont create spaces. I have been so inundated with work from Bulembu and Vantage, I have not allowed for teh free moments of life to just take me. It is in these moments that the essence of who we are really shines through. Tonight was a perfect example of this. I just went with the flow, created a space (away from work and email and things to do) , and was just organically led.

I reallize how over teh last 3 months I have not allowed for any “spaces” in my life. I have been so busy I have not taken this as a priority. It is certainly going to change though.
See I believe that we can create an agenda all that we want, but we all know that it is in the “spaces” that real lasting things happnen. I have been immensly challenged in this way to create more “spaces” for God to interrup my life.

The more I thought about my metaphor to life, I explored how the whole situation hangs together. What I mean by that is what compels me to continue to drive 100kmh when I cant see ahead of me? It is trust. I trust that the car in front of me will not slam on their brakes. If they did, lets just hope for the best. So how does that relate to life?

I think our trust in God is critical for holding the unknowns together.

I have never been in a place in life like this clouded with so many paths, so many unknowns, so many transitions and so far away from…. just being me (for instance, the last time I blogged was in March). But the paradox is, which is actually shattering another one of my traditional Christian boxes, just because I am in this place in life, it doesn’t me that my trust or my faith is to be lost. If anything, I must admit it has been heightened. I couldn’t even begin to describe the amount of faith it took to cross that bridge in such dense fog! The unknowns; there were just so many - just like there are so many in my life right now.

So I feel I just continue ahead, not blinking to fear, but confidently riding in trust. This is right, this is good.

“And, of course, when you discover something like that and it’s like discovering a tooth with a missing filling. You have to probe it, work around it, push on it, think about it, not because it’s enjoyable but because it’s on your mind and it won’t get off your mind… Not to deliberately irritate him, but because the irritation seems symptomatic of something deeper, something under the surface that isn’t immediately apparent.” - Robert Pirsig, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

Ever since I was a little kid, I can recall memories where the most important thing in life to me was that those around me were “ok”. When my family would get in fights or my parents would start to disagree, as if it were yesterday, I can still recall the feelings and emotions I would go through burdening their troubles. My entire emotional package would unwrap according to their status. Essentially “I was only ok, if they were ok”. This wasn’t just for my family though, it expanded to many of those who were close to me. I have such a heart to serve, love and live with compassion for others, it had crossed the boundary of healthiness and encroached a place which was no longer strengthening who I was to be. I began to live for the happiness of others. Too often I would give of myself just to make others happy and satisfied. Although I didn’t pledge ungratefulness to them, unconsciously I began to resent them for that which I gave. But I would not return void. What I received from the exchange was a sense of feeling like I was a knight in shining armor. I was the self-abasing giver. It wasn’t a true gift though, it was a move to make me feel ok.

Fifteen years later, I was no different. In the first serious relationship of my life I thought I would ride into it on my high horse finding a girl who needed rescuing and me being a prince who needed a cause. The results could be nothing more than disastrous. But this is what began my addiction. It was a coping mechanism for me. I needed to save others, to rescue them so that I would be ok. There was nothing selfless about my giving, it was still all about me.

I thought that since then I had learned. I thought that I had recognized this and had changed. I have tried so hard in the last year to not save those around me –it is not my job or my responsibility. I have tried to rather just listen, to be. Largely to my credit I feel I have been able to hold this balance.

However, I have realized that our past always lingers. Do we ever fully embrace a new behavior? How often do we have to go back and focus on that same old behavioral goal time and time again, even when we thought we conquered it? Do we ever really shed our old skin and mature into our new walk? It is always in the most trying times, the points of stress and those situations where we are most unknown that we resort to our comfort zone. For me, I can see how I have retreated to the same old adage of mine – “If you are ok, I am ok”. To some counselors, this is called an addiction.

Lately I often find myself getting gut rut over knowing a loved one of mine is not ok. I so badly want to do everything in my power to rescue them – to give them comfort. I will give of myself time and time again just so that they are ok – because then, I will sleep at night. It drives me to comfort those I love.

Is there hope? Of course there is. I have to remember, I am not God, nor is it my job that others reach any form of nirvana. I am simply a human who has enough shit of my own to deal with. But, I can pray… I can enmesh others with prayer and simply love them. There is a trust in God that is needed, rather than relying on our own abilities. If we believe that God is good, why do we sometimes push so hard to do it on our own?

I have no problem admitting that I have an addiction…….an addiction to making others realize they are ok. This is not where God wants me to be though. I honestly believe that prayer is the only way to overcome our behavioral skeletons.
How can one save, when they need to be saved? God I need your deliverance….

It was unusually warm out last night, but yet the cold, brisk breeze reminded me I was still in winter. No thawing has been needed, but still a dark winter. I walked down the hill on Main St. heading toward Terminal to meet….. my friend. Although the buzz of cars was seen with my eyes, there was a silence, that dark winter silence inside which made the world seem so irrelevant to me. I felt freedom in each breathe and each step. When you can walk and act in confidence regarding your surroundings and situations - the big, big buildings, but yet you know how enormous you are; that is freedom.

I met my friend, waiting for me outside of McDonalds on a bench, just like he said he would. I hadn’t seen him in months, but he never changes anyway. Living on the streets his whole life, it has always been the same. Since the day I met the “Musicman” commanding that organ in the towering chapel of that Catholic church - he has always been the Musicman. Purple glasses, long beard, never shakes a hand or gives a hug, packs his jacket with everything he owns and certainly never opens up his closeted life.

However, this time was different. Why did he approach me and give me a hug? In seven years of occasionally getting together, I had never felt his desire for physical connection. With no shaded glasses, I could see his soft brown eyes. His beard was trimmed and he talked softer this time. I must not have said more than 100 words in our hour together. When we talked about relationships, love, connection and I asked him if he had ever been in love - he told me his story. His story of pain, of loss and desire - but here he is, never married. I could see the love in his heart as he talked. What situations and choices make us who we are? Is there a connection?

My perplexity caused me to finally blurt out - “What happened to you? Why are you a new man? What caused this change?” I think it had been happening for years now, but I never realized it like this. It is not an impulsive, one-off, conversation he was experiencing. No this is deep change which things are made to last of.

“Jamie, going to church and getting my priorities right makes all the difference.” That is it, that is all he answered with. There was no need for explanation - we both understood through the silence. Although he still collects bottles, and migrates for any temporary work, even at his old age - he is changed. Probably his longest standing committed friend, I pray that God had used me anytime in the last 7 years to have played even a small part in his change. All the times we (my parents and I) opened our house for him to bathe, for him to cook, for him to find refuge from the streets - I pray those moments build hope inside.

Why do we give so little of ourselves for the Lord to use? Sometimes we have an encounter, when we least expect it and it just turns us upside down conquering our little perspective of what really matters. Lives, that is what really matters.

I want what this homeless man had found, the hope and belief to change.

You can leave right now
You can ring a bell
You can tell ‘em you think I ain’t doin’ too well
But when I stood like you
I eventually fell
So you can leave right now
Go on and ring your bell

I’m amazed by life
And it’s amazed by me
We’re a strange old pair- me and eternity
It don’t make good sense
It ain’t easy to see
But I’m amazed by life
And it’s amazed by me

It’s a long hard road
With a good, good end
And if I keep on walking on past the crooked bend
I will meet my Maker
I will meet my Friend
It’s a long hard road
With a good, good end

I have never really asked my “father” for my inheritance and gone to dabble and indulge in the things of this world. Rather, I feel I have been more faithful, consistent, diligent and committed regarding my spiritual walk. Much like the older son in this parable. He was the first on the fields each morning and the last to go home. He worked incredibly hard and toiled with much labor. But from his reactions towards his prodigal brother when he returned, we can assume many of his motivations for his devotion was for acceptance. He worked hard and was a “doer” largely to gain acceptance. It now makes sense why I relate to his situation.

Two and a half years ago I suffered a complete breakdown regarding burnout. I was overworked, the passion was squeezed out of me and I was racked with an identity crisis because my acceptance and validation was wrapped in my “elevator speech” – I am a Jamie Woller, I work at ____ and am known for my success of ______. You know how the spiel goes everytime you meet a possible networking prospector. However, I emerged from this with a very Godly perspective that I am not accepted for my accomplishments, awards, successes or anything – I am accepted because God created me, loves me and is my biggest fan, just for who I am.

What I gained from this experience though was true peace. For the last 2 years I have experienced vast amounts of peace in my life. It is only just recently where I am feeling the ugly head of constantly “doing” emerging in my life. Peace is slowly departing me as exhaustion sets in. Am I trying to find acceptance again? Am I looking to others to embrace me, accept me and validate me because of all that I do? God feels distant, therefore I turn to others to get what I am used to finding in him – my strength of who I am. Oh, the errors of being human which we do over and over again. My ally now is my learning from my past experience. I know that I must surrender to God all that I am doing and find time to rest in him. It is essential if I am to survive.
Ultimately, I still resonate more with the older son. However, I now see him also as a prodigal son. Who the father sees him to be is not who is really is. He is shallow, without passion and lifeless. He works all day, and is everything of a “doer”. Yet until he realizes that his father loves him just for who he is, regardless, then he will not ever experience that true love. He is a prodigal from his fathers true love.

I heed his story and long to once again deeply embrace the love of the father – for accepting me just as I am. I am worn, tired and in deep need of his divinity. But even in that place I am accepted. Although I have not gone and sinned in tangible, measurable ways – I have sinned by finding my identity, acceptance and love in things other than God. I am a prodigal son, looking for the loving embrace of my heavenly father to fill these tired bones with the refreshing passion of life. I am the prodigal son who never left.