James Woller

“It is only important to think about physical discomfort when the mood is wrong. Then you fasten on to whatever you call uncomfortable and call that the cause. But if the mood is right, then the physical discomfort doesn’t mean that much.”

There is something that I should have learned this summer that I failed to realize until I was taken away from the very situation. This summer I fell in love with my motorcycle. At first, my intentions were very practical. Honestly, I wanted to save some money, get places quicker, not have to put up with traffic and for that matter, learn something new.

But, through my practicality I missed out on the best part of having a bike. It is not about the destination or the outcome. It is not about where you go, but rather, how you ride. If you are in a hurry, you miss all the small things that pass by you on your way. Your mind is pre-occupied with other thoughts, more mechanical thoughts and not those that should be the underlying dimension that answers the why question.

I think about a few weeks before I left, I took a long journey over the Coqhuilla mountain pass. That was the first and only time on my bike in which I wasn’t in a hurry (I am not talking about speed, but rather your mental mood). That experience was incredible. My mind was free to notice all the small things around me and appreciate the here and now, rather than anticipating the future.

I think this is a basic principle for life in general. As I think about my upcoming journey 7 days up Kilimanjaro, I believe this experience is more than just reaching the top. That is the smallest part of the task. It is every moment, every step, every breath that makes you feel the discomfort and pain, that is what you will remember and what will teach perseverance and mental toughness.

Upon leaving Kelowna, I have many of the same thoughts as well. Why was I not more satisfied with the present moment? There were so many more things I wish I could have done and more time spent with people. But, it is always a lesson in life, and I think this is my fifth time around. But, especially this trip, I will work to free my mind and my heart to embrace the present moment. I will not flee the discomfort that I know will soon befall (not just Kilimanjaro, but the African experience). Rather, it is imperative to embrace it and feel the feelings and learn to love the moment, rather than rush for its ending. That is the mental mood I need to prepare for.

Ah, the motorcycle and what it has to teach us. Well at least for this moment, I am completely in discomfort and that has me embracing this moment for I will not lose the small things that discomfort exposes.

Sometimes I think that life is just a compilation of mystery and paradoxical concepts. Lately I think I have been so confused and frustrated with it, that I have simply stopped thinking about it. That is the worst thing I could have done though. God gave us a mind and we are meant to use it because this beautiful world has so much to teach us, if we just let it. But that will require us to be molded and that means apply ourselves.

With as much as I have been working over in Africa, I am perplexed at how I have shut down to so many convictions I used to have. I remember blogging about how nervous I was to go that last time and that it was so hard going and then coming back to the West, with so much money and luxury. This last time was different. I think I just shut down and turned off regarding that. What is right and how much I should feel, I am not sure.

Working there though, I have learned one thing about SERVICE. I used to think that my motivations for serving and working in Africa were completely altruistic and that I was just such a wonderful guy for doing that. You know, the whole Hero stigma that is associated with those that “lay down” their lives to work in Africa. Well I don’t think that anymore. From Pastors, to missionaries, to social workers – we are all in the same situation. Sure, why we do what we do is what gives us a sense of purpose and fulfillment. I am not arguing that it is not a good thing, because it is. Everyone should have that and HAS TO find purpose in life. The problem is that we develop this Christian complex where we think we are so great for our service and dedication to society. You know what though, how much of it is based and founded out of our need to find acceptance and self gratification? Cause lets be honest, it feels good to feed the homeless and to work with the children in Africa. The paradox is that this is not inherently bad, it is just what we do with it and that we recognize the intrinsic danger of developing our “projects” as just “commodities”. Why do we serve and do what we do? To answer that question and simply be aware of its answer, is key to finding the motivations and lining them up with the call of Christ.

From many of my past dating relationships, friendships, to now working with a not-for-profit in Africa, I am learning how much of my caring motives and love are wrapped in finding acceptance. We all fear rejection, it is the basic and highest form of being human – to be accepted. So much of everything we do is to find acceptance. In my walk with God, how many of the deed/works I do are rooted out of my striving for approval from God? In a relationship, how many of the sweet things I do are to find approval and love? In friendships, those times we go out of our way for the other person, what sense of acceptance do we get when they love us for that? We don’t want to be rejected, we desire love and will almost do anything to get it.

For others, this need for acceptance swings to the other side of the spectrum. Out of our fear of rejection, we don’t give of ourselves – as our motivation keeps us from others. “If I opened up and loved, what if they don’t accept me and love me back – leading to rejection?” Therefore we don’t serve, we don’t love and we find our acceptance by not getting rejected. I remember when I first got to Masters Commission. It was only for 9 months, why would I open up and become close friends with anyone there, knowing that in 9 months we would all go different ways and get hurt through the whole process? Working in the orphanage, it is vulnerability that brings love, because what if the next time coming back they don’t remember you?

That is the paradox. But, both are rooted in our intrinsic desire to be loved and accepted.

That is the story of life though. So what is the answer? Hell if I know. But I still stand behind that fact that we cant fear rejection. I look at working in Africa, rejection is a high possibility. Relationships - you will be let down and hurt. Family – they wont always come through for you. Even God – how many times was he not there for you like you expected?

The issue boils down to the fact that we need to recognize our need for acceptance and love and that is the motivation for much of what we do. If we realize that is our motivation, I think it takes some of the sting out of the hurt.

Life is full of pain in our search for acceptance in all we do. But it is our perspective on it that will determine if we continue to love and serve or if we shut down and make the inner vow that we will never do that again.

Whoever the heck is praying for me back at home, you are doing one hell of a job. This morning as I was driving back from South Africa into Swaziland a timber semi’s trailer swerved into my lane and my tire caught the edge of the road and I spun out of control. The road was under construction and in the mountain rift, so not a place for an error. As my vehicle lost control, I spun about 3 or 4 times and came to a stop in the middle of the road facing the wrong way. It was only by a miracle o f God that my life was spared. I just sat there as my heart paced trying to start my truck, praying no more semi’s came over teh hill. This is life though, that is why we just have to move forward. God is to good to me. So here is some writing I did last night. I wll be home soon.

There are times when I feel that I am in Africa and living what we all “think” we know of Africa and then there are those times when it just feels as if I could be anywhere in the world and am as comfortable as ever. Tonight, in the winter drought the rains came. We had such a obnoxious thunder storm. It was quite refreshing. Now all of the power is out and I just have a candle by my bed finishing up work.

Today I drove about 4 hours south to meet up with the owner of Montigny Timber, the largest timber exporter in the country. He showed me the production plant and explained all of the value added processes that take place. Then we drove back to his house across the border in South Africa. It has been amazing learning more and more about the timber business and how we can apply much of this back at Bulembu.

The last 2 days we invited 2 Representatives from USAID and TechnoServe up to the lodge and spent the day with them showing them around, giving them rides on the quad and discussing with them the strategic plan. I thought it went extraordinary well, but to be honest, it doesn’t matter who you are once you come to Bulembu the people and the place do all the selling needed. Both of the representatives were my age and doing the same thing, volunteering out here. It was nice to just have conversations that reminded me of home and have some fun. I am certain they will be coming back – it was a lot of fun.

So there is something that I learned while here, that I just have to make note of. I must have thought about it for at least 3 hours today. When I came to Africa I was such an idealist. I was young and passionate, but more than anything, I was dangerous. Uncontrolled passion is a dangerous fire to play with. If that passions give wind to your ideals, this is what breaks the people with unrealized hope. I have been there before and done that, and I wont do it again. This time, although I might have come with a $60,000 degree and plenty of experience, which is more than most will make in a lifetime here, it means hardly anything in Africa. Things are so different here and cultural differences flaunt your ideals, however, it is imperative that you let go of the ideals you bring and instead just listen to the people. It was so good for me to just go up into the forest and listen to the guys who harvest the trees, the guys who fell the tree and those that long-haul it to the depot. I listened to how each of them think the economics and incentives of pay should be set up. It was really important, because regardless of what I thought was best, they are the ones who know, who experience and need to be heard. It was humbly and incredibly rewarding.

I learned a lot while out here this time around. I learned that I was made for this and cant wait to get back here. Tomorrow I drive back to Swaziland and to the orphanage, a day I have been waiting months for – just to see my little Phoebe. Saturday I get to bake a birthday cake, just me and her to celebrate my quarter of a century mark (yes, I know, I am getting old). Then I am picking up my 5 Canadian Dr. Friends and we are going to the orphanage and then to Bulembu. We are going to climb the highest mountain in Swaziland and come back to watch a village dance, where even the chief will be there. It is quite exciting, like always.

Thanks for your prayers, they have been needed. Although, things have been fast paced here and much has been going on, those moments of silence are extremely lonely – it is just you on your own and it gets dark at night and there is nothing to do but think. No internet, no movies or TV and the same books lose their appeal the 3rd time around. But I feel I made it through and time to come home and start a whole new world of transitions – such is life.

Yesterday was sort of a day off (Volker it is ok if you stop reading at this point) and I tell you, we made the best of it. If I thought riding a motorcycle back at home was exhilarating and gave me a rush – driving a quad ATV and dirt bike through the valleys of Africa, that is a rush.(Mom, dad and Ashley, maybe you should stop reading at this point). Here we were going through valleys and around switchbacks of open cliffs and mountains and the views of this African land were simply stunning. As we hit open straight ways through the old logging forests, there were many times we would be doing upwards of 70 Km an hour – it was such an adrenaline rush, one which solidified that which I have learned while here. Let me explain.

I knew that when I came to Africa I would come back a changed man. I remember the first time I came, the growing pangs were hard and it was difficult for me to settle in – but that was the problem I didn’t allow that in which I was changed to transform. This time it has not been the culture, the poverty or outward which I have experienced, rather the inward reflection of life back home. I always knew that there was something special about me, but yet something so dangerous – I am extremely passionate towards the things I give my attention. I think about my lawn mowing business in Kansas, it was everything to me, from right after school till the late hours of dark maintaining the machines and sharpening blades. The way I played basketball, I gave it my everything and during winter all of my time, from 3 hours of practice after school till staying at the gym till 9 shooting free throws and running suicide drills. In university the presidency was my focus, I thoroughly loved with passion that which I did. I gave it my everything. The hardest part for me in all of these situations though was learning to let go. I loved them so much with such passion and commitment at times it became unhealthy because I was scared to lose them, therefore I began to control.

Even now there are things in my life back at home which I am so passionate about and am loyal as ever to. I don’t think my level of passion will ever change and honestly I don’t want it to. But I have to learn to not turn that passion into control. That means I have to trust God and come to turns with releasing my passions. I remember that when I was just a child, my mother knew I would work in Africa someday. She saw the way I collected flags and put together map puzzles and looked at National Geographic’s. There came a point in time where she started to pray that she would give me to the Lord and trust His will for my life, even if that meant me living and working in Africa. That which she so loved, her truest level of love was to let me go. But in letting me go I think she found the deepest level of love with me.

I have learned this in such a deep way here. I wish I could get into details, but the politics are too heavy and the situation to close to what we are doing here. Ultimately though, the village we are working in I have been working with some individuals and like me, they are passionate people. They love the people of Bulembu with all their heart. In a similar way they have had to let it go, with knowing that this is best for that which they love.

I must learn that passions in life, whether that be my job, Africa, the relationships I am in or my friendships – I have to learn to be passionate and then be ok with letting go.

My prayer God is that you give me the STRENGTH to let go of that which I cant change.

Give me the COURAGE to change that which I can change and

The WISDOM to know the difference between the two.

Africa you have my heart and passion. Lessons never to forget.

Man, it is good to be back in Africa. I realize and am so thankful God has blessed me with such an amazing opportunity to help out here. Well I certainly wont be getting any skin diseases or infections this time. I have been staying in amazing living quarters – my house has 11 rooms and a pool table, unfortunately I am the only one here. I was given a quad for my work to assess the village buildings and propose a recommendation on further development. Occasionally I have been going on some back paths into the forests just to explore. I am essentially working with an international aid development organization that is, well, building an economy within an abandoned mining town. The concept is unique and will be a first in this region. Members of our team have recently met with the Prime Minister and Finance Minister of Swaziland, who seem to be quite optimistic. However, Africa has had too many broken promises and fleeting moments of hope. The last thing we want to do is be part of the problem. Although I am enjoying myself, I have yet to be with the people, the very reason I thrive here. Next week I will be spending the rest of my time at the orphanage I served at in January. My heart is just longing to see the kids again. Their smiles and love are the very reason I have hope that change is possible – not from us or what us westerners have to give, but rather from the future these children have and how they will soon be leading this country.

This trip is going to be different than any of my previous travels. Already it is shaping up to be more about what God is doing in me and how he is changing me, rather than an experience of some other sort. Breifly, not to bore, I will share about what my purpose is turning out to be and my time here and then share about how God is moving in my life and what I am learning about myself.

We have spent much of our time in meetings – my favorite, Board meetings. Although I have always loved meetings for strategic planning, just haven’t had them in Africa before. I deeply respect the team and the members that will be apart of this. We have quickly become friends and a level of trust is forming that will go great lengths for us. Simply put, I have met some amazing people – from the US, Canada, Swaziland and South Africa. We all believe that God has brought each one of us here for a purpose.

We spent 4 hours touring the town, barely got to see anything. We could be up here 8 hours a day for 2 weeks and not see everything. It is bigger than anything I imagined. The possibilities are endless. Currently, we believe there are over 1,000 people living here which are employed by our Small and Medium Enterprises (SME’s). Today we are going to go and spend more time visiting the schools within the town, the hospital and evaluate the different types of homes. Some of the types of business that have begun are just amazing. From a grassroots level some of the Swazi people here in Bulembu have been so diligent and are unbelievable entrepreneurs. Dlami, who used to be a taxi-driver took over at the lumber mill as we let the Duma go to cut overhead (basically he was a white supervisor). Dlami has now ramped up production almost 50% and continues to grow production, doing a fantastic job with the 200 workers he manages. I could tell you story after story of how people here are so ready to overcome and are so hopeful. It is mind boggling how I walk around the town and see so many smiles, while at home as we walk around, smiles are nearly absent. I will certainly blog again and talk more about Bulembu, the people, the history the context.

I don’t understand why we are the way we are sometimes. The pain that I felt and the place of brokenness that I went through before I left I couldn’t attach to one event or to a single occurrence. It was a destined place by God though. Since leaving, that brokenness has allowed my affection to explode and cascade into my heart like a torrent of truth and love. I have learned much about myself over the year as I come more and more into my adulthood and discover who I am. Much of my pain I think comes from the fact that I see too much and feel too much. With some of my friends, I sit there and can just feel the pain they go through and it breaks my heart. It will way so heavy on me. I always thought I was more of a tough athletic jock – but the more I grow in age, I realize I have an artistic side. My mother is incredibly artistic, which I never thought was passed to me – well it was, just thought like I thought it would be. My feelings and ability to express them that is my art. I feel that I ricochet between agony and ecstasy because I take everything so personally. Where other people feel kicked by an unkind word, I feel disemboweled by it. The slightest provocation can induce a week long struggle of rejection for me. Such extraordinary sensitivity is a blessing and a heartache – just depending how you want to look at it. I am beginning to learn that I don’t regret this about myself, rather I thank God for how he has made me. The last few weeks before I left I cried often. I haven’t cried more than once in the last 2 years. It is a powerful experience to be brought to tears and not really know the source of such sadness. It has served me well here in Africa and I feel God was kind enough to bring me to a place of brokenness, to bring me to this unbelievable continent and to these people who are full of kindness and love. Oh how our God is so good.

“Whenever you find tears in your eyes, especially unexpected tears, it is well to pay the closest attention. They are not only telling the secret of who you are, but more often than not of the mystery of where you have come from and are summoning you to where you should go next.” Frederick Buechner - Whistling in the Dark

As of late, I have been struck with such an intense emotion of brokenness. I have burdened this and pondered why, with little to answer. Here, I still don’t know why my heart has become so soft and broken towards those in my life and to areas of injustice. I feel so weak and inadequate. The loneliness I struggle with inside and insecurity I face, makes me feel like an imposter. I remember so many times last year as president, times where others thought I was so strong and my leadership was so resilient – if only they knew the insecurity and loneliness that abounded within. Even in Africa, when Cory and I confronted 6 thugs with machetes, they saw us as strong and the tone of my voice firm, but if they only knew how scared and frightened I was. Today, I feel so small in such a big world.

I look at those in my life and am just rushed with emotions of blessing. What did I do to deserve such good friends, such an amazing group of guys who speak into my life, a truly beautiful girlfriend who brings out the best in me and parents who offer unconditional love?

If anything my brokenness has caused me to realize how good God is. It has melted me in compassion and so willing to give and serve others. I realize now more than ever how pride is what holds us back from God more than anything. It is our pride that makes us think we don’t need him, that we are adequate, that we have what it takes. Ultimately the father heart of God, the eyes that Jesus saw this world in – that is to serve one another, to open ourselves up and love each other. Loving, it means taking a risk, but that is what this is all about. There have been friends I have loved so much and it hurt so bad when they passed away, but I never regret loving them. I need God, I need others and I don’t think that makes me any less of a man. “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.”Psalm 51:17

I periodically cry now days, I don’t know why, tears just come. This has never happened to me. My heart is just broken and I know the only way to answer the tears is to give of myself. Once again, I am so scared to go to Africa. It is love/hate relationship. The joy of going is met with so much pain and brokenness. It took me weeks to recover last time and I doubt if I ever really did recover. Damn it, I pray I never recover.

“I am waiting for you to hold me in your arms of love, because it is a big, big world, and I cant survive anymore. But you are so much bigger than it all” – The Folly

Pain – I have journaled about this deeply miss-understood topic so many times. But, I think it is just that relevant to the journey of life. I have never met anyone who hasn’t undergone some intense element of pain. It is what makes us know we are alive and that we have feelings. I have had some incredibly painful experiences in life. Moments where I took a risk and gave my heart to a person or to a group, in hopes it would be accepted and validated, only to be rejected. I don’t regret these risks. I never have and never will. The wound inflicted and pain endured has been healed and now leaves a solemn reminder in a scar. I am proud of my scars, for they make me who I am. This is my story, this is what I am. I can’t change the past, but simply grow from it, always knowing my scar will remind me – not to withhold my heart, but rather to continue to give it and let it be experienced.

The community I now know, the love I experience and the joy I live in – these are because I have chosen to continue to risk and give my heart.

Transformation

The last couple of weeks I have been giving a lot of thought, reflecting over the last year. I think it is mainly because I am thinking about a lot of my friends graduating this year and what it was like for me when I walked those same steps last year.

Over the last year I have learned that if I want to know my past and to that extent what has caused me to be who I am, I have to look at the present, because it is the effect of the past that caused me to become who I am. If I want to know the future, then I need to look at myself in the present, for that will be why the future unfolds the way it will.

So much has changed for me to the point that I could say I have had a major transformation in my life. It is interesting, I have been doing a lot of research for the book lately on life transitions and it has led me to apply it to my own life (once again) and look at what transitions I have gone through. Certainly, with last year being one of the hardest years of my life and then going through a massive transition out of university into the working (really traveling) life, so many changes took place.

The thing is though, it wasn’t just a transition that happened, it was a transformation. It wasn’t about just moving from one place in life to another, which happens in a transition, it was about the change that I underwent during that process. The greatest thing about the transformation though is that I feel more in tune with being who I really am. I feel like I am more in depth to living out to be the man I always wanted to be. There is this underlying confidence and security, knowing that I am discovering more and more of myself. I think for most of my years in university there was always this battle that there was more out there – that we could be living our lives more for others and for the Lord. I never felt comfortable with who I had become and where I spent most of my social time.

The other night one of the guys in my guys group told me how much he has seen me change since August and really become a better person. He characterized it as a transformation, which really caught my attention. I think the more I have opened myself up to being part of a group and community that passionately is seeking after the Lord in what they do, the more it has influenced me to change. Together as a group of searching and pursuit has brought upon this transformation, which most of us can testify to.

It is so important to have strong Godly influences in our lives. For me, Ashley has been everything I needed and continues to be a strong spiritual influence in my life. Her life inspires me to be a better person and her actions and pursuits towards God always encourage me to do more in my life to glorify Him. Even in the hard times of life, she has been so strong in her faithfulness to Him. This influence of her in my life has gone great lengths to aiding me in my time of transition to transform. I am a blessed man.

The thing about transformation though is that it is not a single process of a one time event or occurrence. There is so much more to it than that. I think my transformation started way back towards the end of the school year last year, when I started to drop off and fall away. That experience, the more I reflected on it and learned from what was happening, the more I could transition and change. Then moving here, by surrounding myself with a community seeking after the Lord, that influence continued to progress the transformation. It was and is necessary to stay in a cultivating safe environment though in order to protect and incubate the process. I need to continue this and continue to let the changes solidify and to learn from them.

However, I think the part I never thought about though, was the return, back to view the wreckage, the old and reflect on the past. Going back to where you have come from is instrumental in the transformation process. Not returning to be who I used to be, but rather to fully understand where I came from. I remember when we were in Swaziland, only when we saw where the children came from did we really understand the miracle that had taken place in their lives. For me, it is interesting to see and recollect what my life was like last year; where my passions were; where I spent my time; and who I grew with and how we grew. That is the crux and final piece of transformation. Although it is probably the scariest and most vulnerable, sometimes it can be that last solidifying brick, piecing together the building of change.

Today I can easily say that I am more happy and filled with joy than I have been in longer than I can remember. There is just a feeling that I am doing what I was created to do and that in my actions I am trying to glorify God to my fullest, by using my time, talents and passions for His kingdom. It is something that I so longer for the last 4 years, but was never able to turn the corner with.

I long and wait for the following years to unfold. I have been longing to live life and I pray that I can continue to live this way.

Transformation, it is the greatest, yet hardest and longest process. I don’t regret it in any way and it was only possible through His grace, because honestly, I have messed up so much, time and time again. But it has been so good being able to process this change with my friends and getting input and feedback, it has taught me so much.

Now being home and finally having some time to process all that has happened, I finally feel I can share some of what I experienced while there. I will write from my journal, which I wrote the morning I left. All the stories are true, but the names I changed. But this is why I do what I do.

Here at 6:00 in the morning I sit, somewhere over Africa, completely enamored by what I have just seen and experienced. I went to Africa searching, not for something I would find there, but rather, something I would find inside of me. My heart has been captured by these little ones and I saw a whole country of them. These we met and were able to get to spend time with, you would never believe the dark world of memories that exists on the other side. The evil that has been done to them, I didn’t even know existed. Their stories of survival, not physical, but rather emotional – this makes them heroes. To imagine that even today their hearts burst with love, this must be a miracle. I believe this cause is one that is worth fighting for. A man of justice would not let go of their tears. What I have seen here in this country I will never forget. The children – my heart will always be theirs.

Early in the morning as I quietly sat atop of the Bethany mountain, below I could hear the screams of many children. Abuse, rape, verbal assaults, all are possibilities. I have tried as best as I can to recall and remember the stories of the children we were with. I don’t want to forget their lives, what they have been through and more importantly, their transformation. When DJ was brought to the home, it was only a matter of time before he began to share how his uncle would beat him with a lead pipe to the head. Sylvia, she was also beat. Before her parents death, they would tie her to the bed post and flog her small, hungry body and then was sexually abused. Although Miranda never discussed in length the nature of her rape, when she ran away from her only remaining family, her grandmother, and quickly came to the children’s home – she quickly had to be separated at night from the other girls. She would crawl into bed with some of the other girls and try to have sex with them. She doesn’t know what sex is and what it is meant for, she was just doing all that she has known – she is 7. The youngest of all the children, little Jeremy, he was found by someone in a rubbish bin, left for dead. No story, no name, no history, no anything – but now he has a life, hope and a cause to live for. After their mother passed away, Scott and Tom had no where to go. They wandered the countryside for over a year eating frogs, grasshoppers and crickets. They went from abandoned building to abandoned building just surviving on anything they could find. Richard, he also wandered for years. Once his mom passed away, he ventured to Mbabane to live as a beggar on the streets with other street children. After a number of horrifying experiences, he made his way to Skeki to find his father, who was a police officer there. Upon arrival, they told him he died 3 years ago. Nothing left of a life. Steve, he made certain he would either get kicked out of the home or he would have them kill him. He had lost so many family members, he thought everyone died because of him. He begged for death, for he didn’t want his new found family at the home to die because of his “curse”. Their love lasted though and he is now aspiring to be a pilot and has already been up in a plane. Mkoso, a 4 year old preschool student, she was fully raped on her way home from school, 2 days before we left. How can a 4 year old be raped – our western minds have no capacity for this type of injustice. They say that most of the children have been raped – only a miracle of God can give them life. And this is what has happened here in this place.

Not all my blogs are worth reading, but this one is a journal deep from my heart that hopefully the words I type can capture just a fragment of what happened today. Even just that fragment of words will carry the power of the experience in hopes that your heart can feel what I have felt.

There are many things that we will do in life that are simply fleeting and passing. They come and they go, while adding very little to the development of our lives and the way we view this world. But every now and then God enamours us with a smashing reality of life, outside of our picture perfect bubble. Whether it is an encounter with poverty, a single mom who is emotionally and physically damaged more than our feeble minds can handle, or an experience that shows us how billions of people live every day, all will have lasting effects. Today I can with all confidence say that I am blessed beyond my deepest imagine. The poverty we saw today was different than anything I have every seen or witnessed. It was much, much more than a poverty of physical and material possessions. That would be manageable, at least to the point of being able to overcome it and having a hope that the people could someday economic rise above the poverty in which they live. No, it was deeper than that. It was the type of poverty that is inward and strikes the heart. This poverty is why we have Vulnerable Children and Orphans all around the world.

Before I came to Swaziland I could have quoted you all the stats on AIDS, orphans, poverty, unemployment and everything else. But, stats, they are only the surface of the reality here on the ground. The numbers mean nothing once you are confronted with the reality of what is really happening. In Swaziland about 10% of the population is orphaned children, which doesn’t sound like much, but when you drive the roads and all you see is children walking, it does something to you. I have never seen so many orphans in my life. Everywhere we went and everywhere we drove, there were orphans in huts all along the road. Here is the story of our day - - -

We got up at about 5:30 with our rented car and drove south in hopes to capture video footage to take turn into a short awareness film once we get back to Canada. We drove to the Mozambique border to try and find a refugee camp which we were told was down there. We never found the refugee camp, but instead our detour took us off the main road and down a dirt road with only small huts and people working in the field. The poverty was incredible. These people have nothing. I cant believe this is life, far different than anything I ever knew. We thought that the road would lead us to a pastor named Father Faguzi, who has been leading a spiritual revival in this part of the country, which has seen miracles, healings and everything else. We stopped a person walking on the side of the road to find out if where we could find this church. Every time we stopped, everyone knew that it was in the area and just keep going. Once we got there, it was incredible. People were coming from all over to be at the service. It was 10:00 on a Thursday morning. They told us they have service 3 times a day, 4 days a week. Every service is packed. The pastor told us that people walk even from South Africa and Mozambique to be there; up to 200 Km, just to be there. They get a quick prayer and whatever they bring with them, usually a bag of dirt, gets blessed and then they head home. It was incredible. What faith we saw!!! During the prayer time some women was released of a demon. But that was just the beginning.

After leaving the church, a little while down the road we came to a primary school, which we thought we would take a look at. We walked around the grounds and found out that the school actually started once all the refugees from Mozambique left. Think of that, the biggest school in the area, which has over 1,000 students was built by the UN for refugees and once they left converted to a school. They don’t even have enough food for the children, so UNICEF comes by once a week and drops off buckets of rice and cornmeal. The deputy principal walked us around and showed us some of the classrooms; they have 90 kids in each room, which is smaller than some dining rooms back in the West. I was speechless.

On the way back to Manzini, where we are staying, off the road I saw a small brick building, with about 15 kids outside cooking around a fire. We pulled over and walked over to the children. We had brought with us small pieces of gum and so the kids came running from all directions. Easily within minutes we had over 30 children at our attention. There was an aid truck driving by which stopped to see what all the commotion was, they told us that all the kids were orphans and just come by this place for dinner, which is nothing more than a few handfuls of cornmeal. It was hard to leave, but what did we have that we could give them? How could we even begin to help them. As they waved goodbye and we drove away I thought to myself this is what I came here for. I came to see the problem, the reality of the life of millions of children and then to experience the future; the dark and the hopeful – juxtaposed all within the same country.

As we drove all we could see were children walking along the road, coming home from school. It was if only children lived in this country, tens of thousands of them. Then, again we saw a small brick building with about 30 children cooking under a tree. Again, orphans communing together to cook dinner. The local preschool teacher uses a huge black cauldron and cooks whatever cornmeal she has left from the last UNICEF drop and then disperses among all the children from the surrounding homes. There were so many of them. In order to stay longer I knelt on the ground and stirred my finger in the dirt showing them how to play tic-tac-toe. They were easily amused with the entertainment, once they caught on. The images we saw today and what we experienced will and should impact me for the rest of my life. Can you even imagine a country with so many orphans? It will only get worse with AIDS increasing. That is the poverty I have come face to face with – a poverty of a child who will walk through life with no one to look after him. I don’t know how to even describe anymore this experience.

Since we have been here at the New Hope Centre Orphanage they have taken in 9 new kids. When we got here they only had 19, so we consider ourselves incredibly blessed. After driving into the villages today, I now can see how well the lives of the children at the orphanage are. They are given not just food and shelter, but rather a life filled with hope and a name that instills a promising future for them. It is something that I want to be a part of. It is not about numbers of how many we can save, but rather about doing more for a smaller amount. Here they are building lives and leaders that will impact more people in the long run than if they just took in hundreds by feeding and sheltering them.

Well tomorrow, once again my world gets flipped upside down. We have a meeting with the Minster of Economic development and Planning. We will be discussing with him a proposal on implementing an investment and micro-finance system to help alleviate poverty. I am incredibly nervous, as he is the 3rd most powerful man in the country. At the same time, lately I have been feeling a new shift in my life. It seems as if my 6 month hiatus from leadership might be disappearing. This is just the beginning of something that I have waited so long for. My prayer is that the connections which need to be made will be and that our heart to be involved and help make a difference will be seen. After what we experienced today, I desperately want to be a part of the future of this country.

I am sure this is just the beginning of working with Orphans as my heart has been torn in two for their plight and cry.