James Woller

Well I blogged twice today, but that is just because I only get internet maybe once a week. So be sure to read both, this one and the “God is good” blog. Well this is Africa. The snails are bigger than your feet and the moths are bigger than your hand. I now have scabies, have no idea what it is, but it is going away. But since that, I have also contracted Ringworm. That is not it, our water pump at the compound is broken, so no water for showers or clothers. No worries though, I have plenty of clothes, all 2 boxers and three shirts. That is alright we will surely survive. I hope to blog again before I leave. Till then here it is:

January 27, 2006

Well I must first apologize for not being consistent with my blogging. I really wish I could get to a computer more and have internet time, but then again, this is Africa and we are seriously out in the bush. I am going to try and put up two blogs today, so if you have the time make sure you read both of them. This blog I will mainly just try and update everyone with what is happening here and what we have been up to.

Since being here we have had many great conversations with Elizabeth which have been so good for continually formalizing many of the ideas I had before leaving. All of us have just fallen in love with Swaziland. For the most part, we all want to come back as soon as we can which will probably be sometime in August. Actually, Corey, my mom and I are going to go rent a car and spend the next few days driving around the country taking film and getting clips of peoples stories to try and capture just a bit of what is going on here. Then while we are in Prague we are going to edit it and get us a good working awareness movie. It will be great. It will just be so much fun driving around and filming everything. I can fully say that I have just fallen in love with this country. Upon getting home and even while I am here, we are working on setting up an organization and then register it as a charity. This will allow us to really further the projects that we are working on and hopefully raise high amounts of capital for what they are doing here. It is just amazing what they are doing, they are just so limited by lack of capital. This will take a lot of time, but is just the next logical step to get involved and be a part of what is happening here.

So the orphanage. I have never seen anything like these kids. They are priceless. Some of their stories are the most horrific things you could have ever imagined. Some of the them have been tied to beds and beaten till they passed out. Others have had over 8 family members die on their way to coming to the home. Yet still, some were left abandoned and for over a year they made it on their own eating weeds and frogs to survive. But they are all here now and are all part of a larger family. They are the cutest kids with the purest hearts. I love more than anything being with them when they praise and worship about twice a day and then one of the kids does a 20 minute teaching out of the scriptures, all on their own. Remember, most of them are around 10 years old. Just to see their faces while they praise the Lord is incredible. They are so joyful and so happy. They have so much life in them. Being with them while they worship really got me thinking about my relationship with God back home and how I serve and worship Him. It is just so neat to see how they don’t need any nice powerpoint’s or professional music and sound. I just think that so many times I really on how good the worship is or how good the music is in arousing my emotions and allow that to dictate or guide what I experience. It reminds me of the worship song that I believe it was Matt Redman who wrote – “I am coming back to the heart of Worhsip.” He wrote that song after he felt that the church he was with was getting too focused on all of the external things to lead them to God. So he got rid of everyone on the worship team and just had him and a piano. Ironically, from what I recall in the story, many left that church. But that went on for years, just him and a piano. But my whole point is that these children love and worship God with their whole hearts and they don’t have to have the perfect melodies and all the words scripted out for them. They don’t have to have the service all planned and nitted together. All they need a collection of voices of like minded individuals. That will satisfy them to praise the Lord. They have been doing this twice a day for years. You would have to see it to believe it and really experience it; my words are not enough. It has given me a new perspective on worship that is for sure. Their voices are just so beautiful.

The other thing that Corey and I will be working on is getting working on some agricultural projects for them. They have so much land here it is incredible. Corey and I took a walk through their property today and everywhere there were fruit trees going. They have Mango, Avocado, Lemon, Grapes, cabbage and many more. The soil is so lush and dark, just incredible. So we are going to be doing some soil testing tomorrow with a kit that Corey brought. Yea, just imagine me out there in the sun testing pH levels of soil and finding out what acidic levels are good for planting, yup, that is what is happening. We are going to map out the property and walk off distances and measurements for future reference. While we were out walking around the 57 acre property we, or Corey, climbed a mango tree and we picked so many of them. Actually I ate 4 and felt a little sick. You know what we will be eating the next time we are out in the back woods.

For me, here is how I feel. I am ready to commit the next few years of my life and free time to this organization and to what they are doing here. This country is dying. We were in the largest hospital in the country the other day and let me tell you what, it was beyond moving. I didn’t take any photos, because the little dignity they had, I wanted to preserve. They were all dying and you could just see it on their faces. These were only the people that could afford to be in the hospital. I couldn’t even imagine what it would be like for those who are in the bush (80% of the country) and just die from AIDS out there. It was revolting, but yet so real. The statistics do no justice when you are confronted with the dark reality of this country’s future. So all that to say that I have become not only a believer, but an active participant in the model and vision that is happening with this group of people. These orphans are not orphans anymore, they are tomorrow’s leaders. I believe that and have seen that. I want to be a part of something that can say, we did it, we helped in getting Swaziland back to its dignity. I say all this so that those of you that have been considering coming back with me next summer or whenever, it is worth it and worthwhile. There are definitely ways to get involved, even with us back at home in Canada.

Even so, it has been hard and not easy. Africa is must different and moves at a much different pace than what I am used to. There are many frustrations that you feel while trying to get something done, just for the sake that there are more obstacles and problems that you encounter that you would never expect. It is frustrating, but that is just part of the reality on the ground here.

I love Africa and it is great to be here. Pray for us next week as we are trying around the countryside from village to village. Pray that we meet the right people and can fully experience not necessarily what we have for as an agenda, but rather what God has in store for us.

January 18th

God is good. That is the most humble posture we can take in our walk with the Lord. To say that God is good is to acknowledge all that He has done for us in our lives and the great mercy he has shown us. God is good. Since we have been here in Swaziland it has been eye opening, more than I would have expected. It is the most rural place I have ever been. There is hardly any access to normal western commodities here. We were advised to carry spray with us in order to kill the tarantella’s and scorpions which even come into our houses. I have been sleeping up at the orphanage which they go to bed at 9 and get up at 5 to do chores and eat breakfast. But the security dogs they have bark so loud, which I am not used to and the mosquitoes are everywhere, or they just like my taste, but it is frustrating. I am still sick, but hopefully will get better soon. Although I am more out of my comfort zone than ever, feeling so far away from anything and everything I have ever known, there is this sense of peace and feeling of being home that I cant deny. Not to say that this is a permanent home or lifestyle, but rather there is a side of me that lives for and loves this adventure, this continent and these people.

To see the many orphans and how their lives are being changed and developed regardless of their surroundings, this only leads me to say God is good. To see past the ongoing death of AIDS and hunger and see how there is hope, this is because of our Lord.

I know that this experience will change me forever and I will never be the same. The kids come from the most horrendous backgrounds. Some of them were left to die and literally survived on their own and could only manage to eat frogs and weeds to survive. Others have terrible memories of their parents tying them to the bed posts and beating them. It is so amazing to see how they have been rescued though and can now have a new family and a new life.

I am glad to be here, I really mean that. It is hard, that is for sure, but I think it is meant to be. Even though I want more than anything for something to come of this that I can apply my life to for years to come, I will accept and understand if there are other reasons that God has me here. If I walk away from my time here and never come back or am in touch with the orphanage, will I be satisfied with the other areas that God is moving in my life? It suffices to say that I know God has His hand on my life and he will let no experience go unattended to. So Lord, my prayer each and every day is that you will see me as a vessel of yours, ready to serve you and your children. Use me and pour me out on the orphans, widows and poor which you love.

Well I continue to think about what I am doing here in Africa, honestly, I don’t think I even know anymore and I haven’t even arrived in Swaziland. I mean, seriously, this is crazy for me, but yet the best thing ever. I did have the intention of coming to work with AIDS orphans and try to connect with groups or organizations to develop an AIDS awareness program. But, honestly, I have no idea if that is what is going to be happening here. For some reason I have been feeling though that this is not just about a 3 or 6 month internship and then move on my way to my Masters. No, there is something much bigger here and I can feel that. The good part of this whole experience is that I am the type of person who always needs to know why I am doing what I am doing and who has a plan and vision set out. Well this time, I am clueless. When people ask me now days what I am doing here, I don’t even tell them anything, cause I don’t really know. It is quite the eye opener for me, but yet so good. I am so blessed to be here and think it is great for my mom and I. There are a number of reasons I could list as to why I think I might be here, and already I can see the huge potential and fruit in my life and the fruit that is going to come out of it. But I know there is more. So I don’t really know what is going to happen but I have this gut feeling that it is not what I thought it was going to be and that it is going to be actually longer and different than what I had expected. I feel really good about that and for the first time it does not give me fear, because I feel for the first time I am beginning to see the much more grand tapestry that I am apart of in a very subtle way.

So I just have to blog about what happened today. For those of you who don’t like longer blogs that share certain events rather than deep insight, you might not want to read the rest, but it is a pretty amazing story, so I will try and keep it brief.

To try and give you a little bit of context South Africa is known for what colonization did and which lasted up until about 1994, it is called apartheid. That is pretty much similar to what occurred in the states, but was a lot more aggressive. The whites controlled and dominated the blacks giving them no rights and no dignity. They made them have passbooks which was very similar to what the Nazi’s did to the Jews before the Holocaust. Remember, this was just 12 years ago it was still going on. So today we went to something called the District 6 museum. It is a remembrance museum for how the whites in 1960 decided they wanted the land and houses in District 6 here in Cape Town and one day moved into the city with large trucks and loaded everyone up and shipped them off to other parts of the country. It was a horrendous act of cruelty and hatred. Then after they kicked them all out they came in with bull dozers and cleared the whole entire little town, so they would be able to sell it to white people who wanted the high real estate and good view.

So today at the museum this older man in his late 60’s starts talking to us. He actually pointed out on a huge floor map where he lived and grew up. He began to tell us how he was just a child when they came in with the trucks and took everyone away. He discussed how painful and degrading it was for him and his family to experience such a thing. As he talked he finally broke free and began to share how this was the first time in his life that he has been able to come back and see all the atrocities through the memories which are recorded in the museum. Slowly, tears began to drip from his face. He came there to confront the past and to deal with the pain and hurt. As he talked he mentioned time and time again how he forgave the white man and it was time to move on, but that he still needed to work through and acknowledge what was done and bring closure to it.

The whole experience was amazing. I couldn’t believe it. It was so powerful to be there for that moment and to experience God working in his life. The missionary family that we were with began to tell our new friend how they have a vision that someday God is going to redevelop District 6 and how God would heal this man if he would let Him. It was an amazing experience. So that reminded me of my last blog and the children’s choir. Today I was able to capture and experience something of true beauty, a work of God’s hands. Just like the young Catholic boys choir had so much impact, so did this. It was because I wasn’t so engaged on the big even and spectacle that I missed the very beauty that God really had for me. Just in those small moments he touches us and shows us something that we would have never expected.

So I learned how important it is to remember the past. I look at my life and there are definitely some painful things that I have been through and some hurt that I have not only gone through but also done to others. A lot of times I have not wanted to talk about them or to cover them up. You know what though, even in my relationship with Ashley, one thing she has taught me is that your past and your memories make you who you are. She always wants to find out my story and know what I have done and been through and never holds that against me, but rather comes to love and accept me for it because what I know today and who I am is because what I experienced and went through years past. They are powerful and cant be left alone, for those who abandon their history abandon their story and true self.

Ah London, well just like we could have all imagined, I probably wouldn’t get along that well with this city. When you have to pay $2 to use a restroom or $20 to visit the primary Anglican Cathedral, it just doesn’t rub me the right way. My mom and I were able to see a lot yesterday and fully embrace our role as tourists for the day. I wont bore you with describing all the sites we saw and besides you know that is not how I blog. Rather, the most compelling experience we had for the day was attending a Catholic mass in a massive cathedral that was fully done by a boys choir. It is the most beautiful mass I have ever been to. The voices were angelic in their own right. I could have stayed there forever, just to hear the peaceful voices. It made me think how beauty can draw us into the presence of the Lord and bring us closer to him. What in our lives that is beautiful brings us closer to him? Those are the things that we need to make sure we don’t lose sight of, well at least I need to make sure I do more of that. The angelic voices of these children, it was one of the most compelling moments of beauty the Lord has used to draw me to Him. I wish I could go back and experience it again in a softer place of mind. But now, a longing exists where I desperately want to experience and search after Him even more. I thank the Lord for sharing and showing me His beauty through the voice of a child. I know there is much more to come.

So before leaving to Africa in a few hours I wanted to capture some of my thoughts of the place I am in before I go. The weeks leading up to the trip I was often nervous and scared. But the more I think about it, I believe I am caught in a place of contradiction surrounding expectations. The more I think about it, the more I am trying to sort it all out. I don’t think I have that high of expectations for the projects or internships simply because there is so much ambiguity or not knowing of what they will end up being. This is a good thing and will leave so much room for the Lord to work and for Him to have me be open to anything, rather than me working off of a set agenda. Also, as a major in Economic Development, I think too often Christians or AID workers go to Africa feeling and believing that they have the answer and need to DO it. Rather, it is important that we go with open hearts to learn and just BE there to see and come to understand. This is where my expectations come in. I have high expectations that I will experience hope there. My prayer is now that in this sea and tidal wave of disease and disparity that is brought upon the Swazi people by AIDS, there will be seen an island of HOPE. I have this expectation that the experience I have with the orphans that God will show me the true meaning of HOPE and that I will understand it to a level that I have never seen.

I feel that I leave this will be more about the internal work that God will do within me and what he will show and teach me rather than what I can do for the people or what I might have to give. It is still about a week before we finally get to Swaziland, but I no longer feel this fear or nervousness, because I am coming to see that it is no longer in my hands, but rather, it is in the Lord’s hands. It is not about me, but about the work and plans that he has ordained in His greater plan of fate.

Over the last 5 years I would have to say that my spiritual journey has been anything but normal. I have and will always consider myself to be a deeply spiritual person, who has been completely changed by the gospel of Christ. However, over the years as my spirituality has grown and taken form, it scarcely represents that from my childhood. I was brought up in a charismatic, prophesying and tongue speaking church and now attend a liturgical, traditional Catholic church, which I have come to deeply respect. Both have their merits and have provided for experiences in my spiritual journey which have brought me to be the man I am today. Although I have taken serious issues with the church as an institution, I will never turn my back on it as an ideology, because at its foundation, it is the very lifeline of our faith. However, I believe it has meshed with our capitalistic culture on such a deep level, that it now seldom resembles the very core that we as people need. I have come to realize that life and our spiritual journey are about development and growth. Life will stretch us and pull us and in those moments, that is when we need the love and support of a community of believers. With what God has given us in our finances, gifts and social networks, we are to give back and to pour into others, especially in their times of need. That is what Jesus asked us to do, to give; to give until it hurts. When I was just 6 years old I remember listening to an old folk artist named Don Francisco who sang a song called the Steeple Song, which is such a statement on church, and this was 20 years ago. Here are the lyrics to his song. They summarize my thoughts and feelings, better than I could have ever put it.

I don’t care how many buses you own, or the size of your sanctuary.
It doesn’t matter how steep your steeple is if it is sitting on a cemetery.
I don’t care if you have paved your parking lot or put pads upon your Pugh’s,
What good is a picture perfect stage if you are missing all the cues?

I don’t care if your pastor is super powered and your program is always new.
What you need is love and truth and men will come to you.
It doesn’t matter if you know the Bible if its all just in your head.
The thing I need to ask you, is have you done the things I have said.

Do you love your wife? For her and for your children, are you laying down your life? What about the others? Are you living as a servant to your sisters and your brothers?
Do you make the poor man beg you for a bowl? Do the widow and the orphan cry alone?

I don’t care if you pray for miracles. I don’t care if you speak with tongues.
I don’t care if you said you love me in every song you have sung.
It doesn’t matter that your sacrifice of praise is loud enough to raise the dead.
The thing I need to ask you is have you done the things I have said.

Do you love your wife? With all you got inside of you are you laying down your life? What about the others? Are you living as a servant to your sisters and your brothers?
Do you make the poor man beg you for a bowl? Do the widow and the orphan cry alone?

Lord, when were you a prisoner and we didn’t come to you?
When is it that we saw you sick and we didn’t follow through?
Every time you turned your head and pretended not to see,
When you did it not to the least of these, you did it not to me.

My criticisms towards the church are not meant to encapsulate all Christians or all churches, but rather to generalize the way that church is done and the structure of the institution as a whole. There are so many people who attend church to find a community that cares for and supports them. They so desperately want to get out of their lonely journey which has gotten them nowhere. Many times I have found churches to be so busy organizing their programs, they often miss the very essence of what they intend to do; to care for people. So often it feels like churches are run like a business. I have heard some refer to it as the ABC’s of church. The business needs a big attendance so that it can get bigger buildings and have more cash. This is not always the case, but many high end churches now days have shifted their focus to be more “seeker friendly” in their approach and in turn end up spending thousands and thousands of dollars on the many programs they have, which are sometimes not much more than a commercial advertisement of promotion.

The last 3 months has shown me so much about church. I have been able to watch two different communities which has highlighted and exacerbated my opinions even more. Here in Kelowna I have found myself a part of an amazing community of believers. Our small community spends a great deal of time with each other and is open and accepting to others. The element of support that most of feel enable us to experience our faith on such a deeper level. I can think of so many times when we have stayed up late talking about Christ in our lives, fellowshipping and supporting each other. It has been amazing to go and serve with each other within the community. I have learned a lot about my faith throughout it and I know that the lives of others have been forever changed as well. All this to say I believe in a community of believers, but when it becomes institutionalized and organized as a business, we slowly lose the very essence of what we started out as. I believe churches as an institution need to do a bit of deconstructing and start reconstruction by putting relationships and serving others as their primary goal. There is no need to worry about buildings and cash; when we start serving others, lives will be impacted and is that not what we were called do to? Personal development, it requires a community. I think the reason many churches have shied away from this is because it is probably one of the most difficult commitments to make; but it is one that we have to if we want to engage in relationships, like we have been called to do. We have to engage in relationships and pour out opening up our lives to others. In such a strong way this has pulled on my heart, calling me to find more peace in the place God has brought me into in the last 3 months; a place of having peace with living a life that is ready for interruptions.

A month ago when I blogged on the “Will of God” I began with just a small insight to some of my thoughts on pain and suffering, because it was a relevant topic that I was researching a lot about, in order to write certain chapters in the book. Little did I know though, that this issue would expand much more in my life and would force me to evaluate and look at my life in certain regards I had neglected for so long.

Over the last few months something has opened up inside of me, almost in a freeing sense, allowing me to see how my fear of pain has held me back from enjoying certain aspects of life. Because I have been hurt or burned in certain past experiences, it has made me reluctant to get involved again with those types of people, relationships or even certain friendships. This was because I was scared to get hurt again. So the more I tried to change this area of my live and take down the walls created by fear, the more stuff started to surface. Some of you know more of my past experiences than others, but this extends not just to past relationships I suffered pain from, but to the investing group I was a part of that got burned to friendships that have really hurt me. But, in light of all this, I have seen that the pain has caused me to be more sensitive to these areas and create a defense mechanism in order to protect myself against further pain. I think the key thing I have learned in all of this is to understand how as humans we don’t expose ourselves to the possibility and chance of experience and love, for fear of pain. So as I look over my last few years, it is sometimes a dark experience to see all the times I held back in friendships and relationships, because I feared getting hurt. The upside though, is that this understanding and awareness has really been a freeing experience. No longer do I fear pain, because I understand the pain comes from something so good and so wonderful. Let me explain, this is a few thoughts from a recent journal entry.

Pain and Suffering – Life is full of pain and hurt; it is unavoidable. But that pain can mature you into a man, if you let it. Too often I have just covered it up and turned to things that would numb its existence. Who wants to feel pain? But that is not why pain exists. The happiness we experience now, will be the pain we feel then, in the future. We feel pain over a lost one, because of the memorable moments with them. Without these moments much of the pain would be negated. But this is all dependent upon a choice. Will I chose to fell the pain. If I chose to process it and let it run its due course as I walk in full awareness of it, it will refine me. This suffering is a refining process. Unfortunately, too often I have shied from my pain, putting up walls and barriers in order to eradicate it from my life. In the process it has squelched vulnerability, transparency and love. I have put up safety nets to hold others out, therefore minimizing the chance of pain. But this is not what God wants. Pain and suffering show us the good, the reasons and the purpose. CS Lewis said “We love to know we are not alone.” In my immaturity I chose safety, but I must learn to choose suffering instead. As I reflect on my life I can see how unprocessed pain, I was unaware of, has held me back in the fear of pain. I feel in previous years I have missed out on much, because of my safety nets. But it is clear the refinement of suffering has its redemption. A friend of mine once wrote - “The healing can not begin until our waters are disturbed.”

In regards to that, I am ready for my waters to be disturbed and my life to be interrupted.

Laslty, one of my favorite authors, Henry Nouwen wrote - “Your pain, deep as it is, is connected with specific circumstances. You do not suffer in the abstract. You suffer because someone hurts you at a specific time and in a specific place. Your feelings of abandonment, rejection and uselessness are rooted in the most concrete events. In this way all suffering is unique. This is eminently true of Jesus. His disciples left him, Pilate condemned him, Roman soldiers tortured and crucified him.
Still as long as you keep pointing to the specifics you will miss the full meaning of your pain. You will deceive yourself into believing that if the people, circumstances and events had been different your pain would not exist. This might be partly true, but the deeper truth is that the situation which brought about my pain was simply the form in which I came in touch with the human condition of suffering. My pain is the concrete way in which I participate in the pain of humanity.
Paradoxically therefore, healing means moving from my pain to the pain. When I keep focusing on the specific circumstances of my pain I easily become angry, resentful and even vindictive. I am inclined to do something about the externals of my pain in order to relieve it. But real healing comes from realising that my own particular pain is a share in humanity’s pain. This realisation allows me to forgive my enemies and enter into a true compassionate life.
Jesus’ suffering, concrete as it was, was the suffering of all humanity. His pain was the pain.
Every time I shift the my attention away from the external situation that caused my pain and focus on the pain of humanity in which I participate, my suffering becomes easier to bear. It becomes a light burden and an easy yoke. Once I discover that I am called to live in solidarity with the hungry, the homeless, the prisoners, the refugees, the sick, and the dying, my very personal pain begins to be converted into the pain and I find new strength to live it. Herein lies the hope of all Christians”

I know I don’t blog much, but it is like I go for a few months and things I experience and those events around me all mold together to have some sort of a theme. Then the more I think about it, the more I try to get something out of it that I can learn and remember. Since most of these situations involve some sort of pain, I would rather not go through it again, which I am sure you agree with.

Pain, I have thought about that so much lately. Part of it is that allot of the research we have been doing lately for the book has led us to discussions on Pain. As we work through it, I am finding myself more exposed and discovering areas in my life in the last few years where I have really suffered from pain, and how I have covered it up. Last year was certainly the most painful year of my life and I still can see how those areas where I suffered pain, they act as triggers and still are sensitive. When anything similar to a certain painful situation comes up, I get scared and clam up, cause the still persistent pain.

So in some way I feel like I am beginning this journey to try and discover where my internal pain is and who knows, how to deal with it, but maybe the best thing to start with, is simply talk about it. With that being said, I must confess my fear. I am nervous and scared in many ways. I am scared to look and see the pain. I mean this goes back to even 5 years ago, of baggage I still carry from past friendships and relationships. But how can you ever move forward if you don’t first become aware.

Well, honestly, the concept that has been tripping me up so much lately is about God’s will. What a confusing and dangerous thing it is. I am finding that the more I experience life and the more I think about what really is God’s will, the less I believe it exists, the way I traditionally thought it did.

I grew up believing God’s Will, that is, what he set out as the course for your life, was something we ought to search out and discover, then it was our obligation to follow it. I believed that everyone had a “will” for their life. This belief got me in some trouble a few years ago though. About 3 years ago I was confronted with one of the toughest decisions I would ever make. I wrestled with it for months. I am not the biggest prayer guy, but that month I prayed more than I have in my whole life, probably combined. I so desperately wanted God to just point me in the right direction and tell me what he wanted me to do. I would have said yes or no, whatever it was, according to what he would show me. In so many ways, I think I did what was right, by giving him the decision and putting “it on the altar”.

But you know, that is just it, when it was all said and done, I still had to make the decision, not God. I am not a robot and I have free will. However, because of this view I had, it through me for such a loop after this decision was over. How could God abandon me? As a friend, He wasn’t there when I needed him the most, he was a no show. I would admit I slowly lost faith in Him for the coming months. But that was because I thought he had a will on that decision. I don’t think he did. I could have gone either way and he would have blessed it and it could have been His will.

Think about it, if God were to show up in all His Glory and tell you to marry someone, you would do it, right? Where is the free choice in that? His Glory and Power would overwhelm us into making that decision, not that it is bad, but that is why he doesn’t do it. See, he wants us to figure it out. That is why I don’t think God ever told me or showed me anything on that decision years ago. He simply let me sit there and stew and in the end allowed me to make my own decision. I honestly believe I could have said yes and it would have been his will or I could have said no and it would have been His will.

God’s will is not a yes or no, (most of the time and we know when it is), but rather it is about the in between time that we usually miss. You know what Gods will was for me then, it was that I get to know him more through countless hours of prayer, not the yes or no. It was the struggle and wrestle I went through, that was what He wanted. It is about where our heart is and how we posture it toward him.

Although I agree, this is a humanistic view to not believe in God’s will, let me explain. When God created us he gave us so many skills and gifts. The passions that make us tick, those are from Him. It is these things that we have to use to make our decisions and go forward. He gave us thought, intelligence, feelings, emotions and friends. When we rely on these things, there is an element of it actually being that we rely on God, because they were given by Him.
For instance, if I still believe that God’s will was just a yes or a no, I would then have to believe that he only has one person for me to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t believe that. I believe there are a number of people each of us have we could marry. The key to God’s will is not this person or that person, but His will is how we LOVE that person.

WE ARE IN HIS WILL WHEN WE LOVE HIM AND THOSE AROUND US, REGARDLESS OF WHAT WE ARE DOING.

Is it God’s will that you go to Africa or work as a Dentist in Overland Park? Neither I say. I think that if we give him all of our heart and those around us, we will find his will. It is this act of searching that he wants for us.

I am no longer a consequentialist; I don’t believe the position at the end of the race matters. What matters is how you run that race and how much heart and effort you put into it. In that way, I don’t necessarily say God’s will for my life is to go to Africa, but rather where I chose to go and spend my life, His will is that I love those people with all my heart and serve them with everything I can.

At first, it seems like this view takes a lot of pressure off of our thinking “Am I out of the will of God, oh No!” I have thought that so many times. That is the problem though. I believe as long as we follow and obey his Commandments and love those around us, we are in His will.

So often we really want him to give us a solid left or right or forward or backwards, but you know seldom does it work that way. We want him to give us substantial substance on which way we steer this ship, so that we can know that we are in or out of his will. No longer do I believe that it works that way. I think that is way too simple and takes away from a lot of the skill and character that he gave us and it nullifies the refinement and learning that we are supposed to gather from situations. IT IS ALL ABOUT THE JOURNEY, NOT THE DIRECTION. We are really supposed to focus on our journey. That is the process and the path that God will use to really transform our life. So in that sense I don’t even know if I believe that God has a specific will for MY Life like some chartered out map.

Lastly, check out this video about poverty World On Fire It is gripping, to say the least!

I don’t know what is going on, but in the last week, something has hit me and completely overcome me like nothing before. I feel I have fallen into the valley of revelation and now so much has become clear to me. I feel that I can look through the last year of my life, maybe the hardest, and see what happened to a young man who was just trying to do what was right and in doing so lost his “true” self. It all started a week ago when a friend of mine, Jen, came to visit.

Through many conversations about this thing we call life, I realized how easy it is to lose the ability to actually “live”. Let me give an illustration of my point before I share, maybe for the first time, what really happened to me last year.

A very unusual experiment was conducted by John Fabre, the French naturalist, consisting of processionary caterpillars, a type of caterpillar that blindly follows the one in front of it. This explains the name processionary caterpillar. The experiment consisted of several of these caterpillars, a flowerpot filled to the rim with dirt, and pine needles. Fabre put the caterpillars in line to form a complete circle around the rim of the flowerpot, with the first one touching the back of the last one. The pine needles, the staple food of the processionary caterpillar, were placed in the center of the circle. The caterpillars began their procession around the flowerpot, one following the other in a circle. This went on hour after hour, day after day, for an entire week. In the end, every one of the caterpillars dropped dead of starvation. The one thing that could have saved them was only six inches away, but without getting off of their “autopilot”, the caterpillars continued with a habitual routine that eventually proved too much to endure.

Last year as the TWUSA President, there came a point where I felt something change inside me, something that clicked on and I knew it was the beginning of a hard road. I could see the symptoms as I slowly began to be like a processionary caterpillar and just go through the motions and actions. I shut off emotions and feelings and wanted only to focus on the next task at hand, in an altruistic way, as I thought it was the right thing to do. Slowly I found myself not being able to attend morning mass anymore, for fear of what the peace and quiet might do. It would have forced me to think about myself and evaluate my “true self” which was slowly vanishing. My friendships began to fade away and I literally found myself in a place where I felt I had to create a “new” Jamie in order to garner acceptance. My values and morals became an element of compromise as my integrity was blurred and the party life began. Over time, I created a “false self” which was nothing to who I was when I began. Like the caterpillars, I feel that I kept my mind and soul on autopilot until I dropped dead.

For some reason I knew this would happen and was aware I would need time away. In early January I booked 2 month tickets overseas. When I got on that plane, I took no music, rarely read anything, and literally spent time just sitting there thinking. Whether that was a 17 hour bus ride to Cairo or a 7 hour Flight to Madrid, so much time was just spent thinking and contemplating who I was and who I had become.

The thing that I have learned from all this I think is of some importance and a lesson that I will keep for the rest of my life. What happened is that my life slowly became filled with a buildup of anxiety, worry, fear and it brought me to a place of depression. (Yes I think I was in depression the last semester of school). Because of the existence of these things, I was barely able to talk about it or engage my mind to go there, for fear of what I might discover. The autopilot was now turned on. The key thing to see though is that these issues of anxiety and fear acted as a BLOCK, forming an impasse for me to effectively use my skills. They had deskilled me. No longer could I effectively engage in relationships and friendships; no longer could I motivate and inspire others. I honestly felt like a wash-up that last month at school. I had nothing to offer. I even remember a point in time where I had to tell a group who was working on a project, that I brought more negativity to the task force and that I was of no use to be on their team, I had no skills to offer, as they were blocked.

What I forget and what didn’t come to me until I was somewhere way over there in the Middle East is that it what I truly needed was peace inside my soul and I would not find that until I stopped living the “UNLIVED LIFE” and began to unshed my “false self” and find who I really am. This had to be done by encountering my fears, my fear of myself and what I had become. In the creation of that “false self” I had, without being aware of it, filled my soul with many things that in the end really don’t matter and will only lead to an unsatisfied, empty road.

You know, Jen pointed out something to me that I really agree with. Are not so many of us on this same path? Are we not in some way trying to find the true passion of our life? Why have we allowed that “autopilot” to disconnect us from our emotions? Everyone needs an “emotional trashcan” that we can simply talk, talk, and talk about all this with. If we do not find an avenue to get reconnected to our emotions and let go by letting the vulnerability let it out, we will never turn that damn autopilot off. It is like an “air conditioner motor” in our head constantly churning and humming, so loud that we no longer hear the voice that once was our conscience.

I think in some sense we are all on the same journey and we simply just want to be free, truly free from it. Last year I have never felt so many chains and bondage that simply continued a downward spiral for me. However, as Jen said, sometimes along the way you find people who are in a similar place, or where you are at and they can help you along.

You know Airbus, a French company that rivals Boeing, they believe that their planes should be made with the autopilot having the final say over pilots. So that means that if a pilot sees another plane coming towards them on a landing lets say, (by the way now days pilots don’t even land the plane, it is all done by auto-pilot), of he tries to pull the plane up immediately, the autopilot will override his action, cause it think (knows) such a drastic alteration would stall the engines and cause a free fall, therefore the autopilot stops the action. Crazy, but do you see the correlation.

We have to get our lives off autopilot before we become deskilled, lose any semblance of our emotions and sanctity and therefore crash.

It is not every day that we get the opportunity to experience that deep gut feeling that we get when we see the world as 2 billion people do: a world filled with poverty. There is of course that random drive down Hastings in Vancouver or that brief visit to a third world country, that deepens our heart for a few minutes or a few weeks, but rarely does it have a lasting effect that moves us to action. So I have been thinking alot since being back; what does a world look like without poverty? Is such a thing possible? What can we do to end poverty, there is just no realistic possibility that we can move our lives and devote it to the poor like the hero’s we read and hear of. I mean, we could donate a little money here and there, but honestly, do we really believe that this action will solve the problem or make a dent in the gruesome reality of poverty.

Today 15,000 Africans will die from diseases like AIDS, Malaria and TB, all preventable. Today, 20,000 will die from starvation, a symptom of their entrenched poverty. These statistics will sting inside us, for at least awhile, but until we can look up from the statistics and see the faces of the poor, I dont think they will actually settle in and become reality. My encouragment and challenge is for us to go, be with the poor and just be with them, let their state of depravity change you and move you to action.

I believe that our generation has a chance, a chance to change this diabolic cycle. I dont necesarily mean eradicating poverty, but rather raising the standard of living for the poorest of the poor to the point where they can at least live. Think about that, just to give them life; 20,000 died today from starvation. I don’t think we would ever allow this to happen if it was closer to home or in our city. But, that does not justify ignoring a continent that is dieing from within.

I can not hide my anger, as injustice ravishes on and this issue continues. Do you not see the unfairness of it? How is it possible to live a lavish and lucrative lifestyle with brilliant cars and unfilled houses, when we know deep inside that money could have fed thousands and that money could have poured into a community for sustainable development. I think it is an act of injustice, simply stated.

So the question is, now what? Where do we go from here or how can we be a part of the solution. I think it first starts with an inner commitment to the problem. Check out the site www.makepovertyhistory.com read all there is to find out and watch some of the videos. But, I think the biggest thing is about where our heart is at. Being sensitive to the fact and reality of the world we live in is key. That means it is essential that you are around it, and you don’t have to fly to Africa to be around poverty. Every City in North America has poverty and there are plenty of organizations that work with the impoverished. Get involved. Take one night a week to be a part of the global campaign to do something about it. Another great organization to check out is Opportunity International, www.opportunityinternational.org. They are changing development by creating loans to small entrepreneurs in developing nations. Their stories are incredible.

I can easily break apart my last years experience with life. Even though I had taken on the responsibility of being president of the Student Association at Trinity, I still committed to go downtown and feed the homeless once a week. However, the second semester it became more difficult and I soon found myself no longer going. What a difference it made. I could feel inside as I became more narrow minded and soon lost a sensitivity and compassion I once had for people, all people. Honestly, it made such a difference and if I had to go back I would never let the excuse, “I don’t have time” suffice to carry any weight. We simply have time for what we chose and what we prioritize, so we always have time and I promise there are always organizations desperately wanting your help.

This year was the first year ever that the G8 (the 8 largest western economies) decided to forgive a portion of the African debt. The first year. You know why this happened? It happened because a global campaign has started and millions are joining. You will see them as they wear the white rubber wrist band, they don’t have to protest and riot, they simply make their voice heard through text messages, phone calls and letters. But it is their social mobility that is changing the world. I encourage you to get involved. Where is justice, where is righteousness? Let this be the generation that made a difference.

I knew that it would be hard to transition back into life here at home, here in North America. It is nothing to say that our culture is better or to say that their culture does so many things right. It is just different, but we already all knew that. The thing is that there are so many things that each of us have in our personalities that strike home in one place or another. I recognized that right away in my move to Canada. Well overseas on this trip one of the things that hit home the most for me was the importance of simplicity. For two months I feel we lived such simple lives, with simple schedules (arguable I suppose), and simple assets. Then to come home it just seems like things are so complex and there are so many things to do. No longer can you enjoy the 5 coffee brakes a day in Morocco, the late nights of Cairo and the Siestas in Spain. Our lives just move so fast back home. Although it is just a dream world to think that I could take home a lesson from this or that I could somehow build a life like that, I do think that there is some legitimacy to the idea of simplicity. I am not going to take the step of attribution to apply to other cultures, but rather to what I learned.

Simplicity:

For two months it feels like we traveled on so little. The thing is we could have packed so much lighter. It was shocking to know that all you need is a backpack with 2 shirts, 2 socks, 2 underwear, pants, shorts and toiletries. It will get you so far. All the things here that we all become so reliant upon like cell phones, internet, TV, and your own car we think we could never do with out. But until you have to go without, you dont know any better. If gas was ever to hit $6.00 a gallon like in Israel, I think many of us would quickly find public transportation a viable option. So my point is this, I think too many times it is so easy to crowd our lives with so many things. Our closets are packed with clothes, we constantly have all of the newest luxury products from coffee grinders to iPods and we leave very little room for that spiritual encounter.

My Life has been Wrecked:

I just found in the last 3 months that once your life is wrecked and you have very little to rely on, life becomes a bit harder to run from. It was incredible to be overseas away from everything that I normally can rely on or hide behind. When there is nothing left you really realize how life has beaten you and you have been worn on the wheels of this world. It is a very vulnerable place to be. I am trying to figure out how that can happen here, other than of course those moments where God just comes swooping in and you know He takes you through a season where He takes everything away. I dont know, I just think that we have too much noise in life. Looking back I see how there was no possible way God could move in my life while I was President. I created too much noise and allowed the chatter to weed Him out. Of course life goes down the drain in that situation.

I am not Alone:

The ironic thing about this whole topic for me is that just in the last week since I have been back, I cant tell you how many people I have talked to that feel they have been broken on the wheels of life. Loneliness is a reality and the unhappiness with life has become a normality. As I look to just 3 years into the past, many of these friends were in some ways doing great with everything together. But now, we feel we barely have enough to hold on to. But as we turn down the chatter and noise and crowd out the unnecesary functions in our life, including materialistic stuff, I really believe that God’s voice and His presence are so much easier to recognize, cause there is no competition with it.

So my challenge as I transition back into life here is to somehow continue to abide by a simplistic life style. Although it is a daunting task, I have felt that it is refreshing. There is something freeing about it that allows us to not be tied down. I dont know exactly what this looks like, but I do know that I will never clouder my life like I did in the last year. It is not worth it. It was too much for one to handle.